remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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