I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
