worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
