I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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