i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
