new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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