The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
