I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
