I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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