I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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