Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
