I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Randomize
