Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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