Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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