This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize
