my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
