God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
