That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
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