there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
porn star boner night. come get it.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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