we have pet lesbian snakes
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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