That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
