Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
