He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
