It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize