I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
