my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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