The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
my liver is dry heaving
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
