thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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