When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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