Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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