I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
