Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Randomize
