so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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