apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
