i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
