I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
