the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
