Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
