Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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