Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
