Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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