I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
