I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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