I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
