i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
