i used baking grease as lip gloss
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
