sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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