Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
