somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
