You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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