K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
My cat gives me a boner
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
