i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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