the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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