I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
