I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
