I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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