i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
