Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
