rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
