I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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