dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
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