my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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