I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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