and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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